Intimidation, Numenorean Style
by Petros
Summary: My take of Aragorn's intimidation of Sauron through the palantir.


A/N: Yes, yes, I know that Aragorn didn't speak and changed his appearance for this, but my version is much funnier. By the way, I don't claim to own anything or anyone I'm writing about here. Besides, I'm in the Navy; you wouldn't believe the amount of paperwork you'd have to go through to sue me. It's just not worth it.

The Dark Lord sat on his dark throne in the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. He was sipping from a tall glass of _sangria_ (made with real _sangre_) and listening to one of the relics of Numenor which he called a small plate (SP) player. The SP he was listening to now was his favorite, _Mordor's Most Horrendous Torture-Shrieks, Vol. 5_. He decided to see if there was anything good on the _palantir_. Sauron turned it on and started flipping channels. The Stones of Amon Sul and of Annuminas were at the bottom of the ocean. It was pretty cool to find a school of sharks swimming by the Stone, make them think they smelled blood, and watch as they bit each other, eventually eating their own intestines. No sharks around today, though. That idiot Steward of Gondor was trying to use the Stone of Minas Arnor again. Sauron sent him a vision of Saruman bathing. Heheh. If that didn't drive the old fart crazy, nothing would. Sauron always skipped over the Tower Hills. It was good to think of the Elves leaving Middle-earth, but he didn't want to look at their grey ships, so, _gag_, graceful and fair. None of the Nine were home, so there was nothing to see from the Ithil Stone. He had the Stone from Osgiliath, of course, so that left the Orthanc Stone. Saruman hadn't been reporting in lately. Usually when Sauron tuned in to that station, all he got was the emblem of the White Hand and a Technical Difficulties message.

This time there was an image of the White Hand, but it was giving him The Finger. That picture faded to show a long-legged man in old travelling clothes leaning back in a chair, his right ankle crossed over his left thigh. He had kind of a lanky build, and had grey eyes and dark brown hair. He looked familiar, but Sauron couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"Hey, you must be Sauron," said the man. "It's me, Aragorn, son of Arathorn."

Sauron drew a blank.

"Doesn't sound familiar, huh? Well, maybe you knew my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather (that's forty generations). They say I take after my mother, but I have my father's nose. They say my father had his father's nose, so I suppose it goes all the way back. My nose probably looks just like Isildur's."

Sauron's eyes widened.

"Yeah, I thought that would set the bells ringing. So, now that we've been properly introduced, I've got something to show you." Aragorn sat up and unsheathed a long sword that gleamed red and silver, with a sun, moon, and stars design on the blade. "This is Anduril. You probably don't recognize it. Last time you saw it it was called Narsil, and was only about this long." He sheathed the sword until only about a foot of blade showed below the hilt. He looked up at Sauron's blank face. "Still nothing, eh? Well, maybe you're better with auditory memory. 'Slice. "Ow, my hand, that really hurt! Hey, where'd my Ring go? Oh, no, I've lost most of my power! Oh, well, I hear the Forest of Greenwood is nice this time of year, maybe I could change that."' Hahahahahahahahaha!" Aragorn threw back his head and laughed for a full minute, nearly falling out of his chair, then sat up and wiped his eyes.

"Well, anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you'll be seeing it again soon. How many fingers do you have left? Nine? No, you've probably got six or seven fingers on each hand, and I bet it took days to stop your hand from bleeding before. Ha_-inbred_," he coughed. "Excuse me. Well, it's been nice talking to you, even if you're not the most brilliant conversationalist. I'll see ya later, love ya, bye!"

And with that the _palantir_ faded to once again show the White Up-Yours, except now it was sideways. Sauron turned it off and sat there for a while white-knuckling the armrests of his throne, leaving thirteen fingerprints. Then he got up and turned off his SP player. For some reason he didn't feel like listening to screaming anymore.


End file.
